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Mar. 20th, 2002 @ 04:33 pm near, far, DIE!
I had the unfortunate opportunity of meeting the utterly obnoxious mutant by the name of Celine Dion a little while back. I was doing a bit of writing for Rolling Stone, simply because they were begging and I needed the cash. They asked me to go, so I went.

How I wish I'd turned down this assignment.

I was sent to Montreal to interview pop sensation Celine Dion regarding the pregnancy inflicted upon her by this creepy little French freak named Rene something or other.

She refused to meet me unless accompanied by Rene, which made things hard, because I had no plans on being friendly to her. Rolling Stone doesn't hire The Psychic Monkey unless they want a serious, no holds barred article. Unfortunately, this little troll with a woman's name, Rene, felt as though he were important enough to pipe up after every question I asked.

As I sit here, smoking and listening to the tapes, I find myself laughing. Regardless of the frustrations inherent in interviewing two complete morons who think they're really important, it was a fun time. Plus, we ate baggetes .

Here's a tiny fraction of that interview:

Me: So, Celine, tell me... what's it like having a disgusting little mutant parasite constantly feeding off of your life force, growing fatter and uglier with each passing day?
Rene: I don't think this is a nice way to speak about our first born child!
Me: I was talking about you, fuckhead.
Rene: Well, I never!
Me: Get lost, frog. You have no purpose here.
Celine: You don't talk to my husband like that, you dirty monkey!
Me: Oh, shut up.
Rene: That's it, we are leaving!
Me: You leave, cockface, let your mutant squaw stay and finish this interview. Rolling Stone readers are fascinated about your completely and utterly useless, boring lives.
Celine: Let's just get on with the interview.
Me. Don't tell me how to do my job, twat. Now, if you don't mind, let's get on with the interview.


This went on... for hours. Most of the interview was spent with me asking the lawgiver why I couldn't be back in 1971, interviewing John Lennon or Bob Dylan.... anyone but these dinks.

But...

towards the end, we came to a kind of mutual respect... or, more like, they respected me and I thought they were a couple of imbeciles.

That all came to a crashing halt as we were leaving the cafe and Celine "accidentally" stepped on my finger. I went ballistic and jumped on her head and began beating and biting her about the head, face and shoulders. I ended up knocking her down a flight of steps. Fortunately for the Rolling Stone legal department, but unfortunately for life as we know it on this planet, her "baby" was unharmed in the fall.

I swear, there is nothing on this earth more disgusting than French (even French Canadian) woman with child. The stench that comes from these women... the hormones are enough to make you want to shove a toothbrush up your monkey nostrils.

Anyway, I'm extremely stoned at the moment, so if this is incomprehensible, too bad. You should be doing something else anyway.
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Mar. 17th, 2002 @ 09:09 am mutant crimes against primate
The crimes committed against the true primate, the ape (and monkey, fool) by the mutants (that's you, fool... providing that you are a human) is an atrocity. There are, at this moment, millions of true primates locked in cages, against their will, in the zoos and product testing facilities of this world. Not to mention in the NASA training camps and in poacher's traps, and circuses.

Ah yes, leave us not to forget the poor poor monkeys living in Hollywood (or, as I call it: Hell-ywood), castrated and trained to be "entertainment" for the mutants. I'm sure you find the mockery made of an innocent primate on your ridiculous excuse for a TV show "Friends" to be quite amusing.

Well, let me tell you, I've talked with "Marcel" who's actually a very friendly, though mentally disturbed capuchin monkey by the name of Dale, and he didn't enjoy working on that show one bit. He told me that he felt used and exploited. He said that he was simply trying to raise money to get into college so that he could train to be a marine biologist. He turned to animal acting and found himself lost in the deceptive and deadly web of deception and death that is Hell-ywood. The evil Hell-ywood machine (which I have shunned) chewed him up and spit him out, leaving him drunk and homeless and alone in an ally, consulting a transvestite prostitute, dumpster diving and smoking crack.

This is how I found him. I bought him a bowl termite soup and we talked. He had quite a story to tell. Quite a sad sad story. I won't get into the details, because they're quite disturbing, and I'm sure Dale wouldn't want the world to know what he's been reduced to. He never made it to monkey college. His "trainer" which is a type of animal acting manager, took all the money and chose instead to pay Dale with bananas.

Listen to me people... bananas are good, bananas help our digestion, but a primate cannot live on bananas alone. Suppose I were to pay a human with potato chips or fruit roll ups.

See how it is when the tables are turned?

There MUST be equal rights for primates. And it must be NOW.

Unfortunately for Dale, it's too late. Let's just say that he's lucky if he has any dignity left.

That's the thing though... he DOES have dignity... that's what sets the true primates apart from the mutants... we can be proud of our heritage and our backgrounds, even in the worst of times... whether we're being shot into space, tortured by scientists, or living a deranged life on the streets... we're still proud... and we're still strong. Throw what you can at us, mutants, because in the end, it will be the true primate that dances on your filthy graves.

I hate you all

The Psychic Monkey
3/17/02
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Dec. 20th, 2001 @ 05:34 am things are stiring
Feel Evil: hungry
Hear Evil: Supertramp - Breakfast In America
i am back.
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Jan. 15th, 2001 @ 09:21 am the time is almost here
Feel Evil: dominent
Hear Evil: Led Zeppelin - Ramble On
you sickening hairless apes thought it would never happen, but our doctors have come a step closer to perfecting the SUPER MONKEY!

In case you illiterate humans haven't heard yet, the monkey owned genetic scientist have developed a GLOW IN THE DARK MONKEY!

Soon, legions of glow in the dark monkey death soldiers will reclaim this planet for it's true owners, the monkey... the TRUE primate...

the planet of the apes is sooner than you think brighteyes


read about it here
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Jan. 10th, 2001 @ 03:01 am the human is disgusting
Feel Evil: frustrated
Hear Evil: Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
So I pulled into Victoria tonight, only to find Joe and his wife laying about drooling on themselves and looking like they've been injected with some kind of nazi death serum... it was disgusting. I grabbed the poor paranoid monkey and we took off for the night.

The paranoid monkey is a trip to be around.

first of all, he's not real bright, but he makes up for that in spades with being entirely entertaining. First of all, he's constantly doing Tai Chi, which is just funny as hell to watch. Second, he KNOWS he's not very bright, but doesn't seem to mind...

Wait

i'm not giving him enough credit.

He's much smarter than your average monkey. He may not be able to speak coherently (he tries) but he DOES have a pretty firm grasp on what's going on... which is more than I can say for the majority of the inbred monkeys of his generation...

you know, I'm tempted to just junk the whole Monkey See, Monkey Kill foundation... I mean, what's the point? I can barely even talk to a Monkey anymore... why are monkeys so STUPID? I mean, when i was growing up, monkeys were at least TRYING to evolve... but these new monkeys... all they want to do is throw shit and scream and listen to Rage Against the Machine...

stupid fucking monkeys


NO

okay, no...

I'm out of line. All monkeys are valuable... it just gets hard now... you know, just because I'm psychic doesn't mean that I don't have feelings. It gets hard to deal with my monkey brothers sometimes... they can be a handful.

enough about them...

So the paranoid monkey and I cruised around town in the back of a stinking taxi-cab... we had to call in a cab because no one would pick us up. You humans don't seem to believe us, but you have no idea how many times I've watched Taxis drive right past me and pick up some human.

Monkey discrimination exists people. It's very real, and it's a problem.. and it must be dealt with.

anyway, so we're in the back of this cab, and I'm telling the driver (some fucking pakki) to simply drive around, and he's looking at me like I'm insane... I hand him a goofy looking Canadian hundred dollar bill and he shuts up...

So we're cruising around downtown, and all of a sudden the Paranoid monkey starts SCREECHING! it sounds like he's saying "Yunnuns" over and over. I smack him in his mouth and tell him to get his senses about him, but he's still pointing out the window screeching. I realize that he's saying "YOUNG GUNS"
So I look out the window and what do I see? Keiffer! It's Keiffer Sutherland! I see him just strolling down the street in a jeans jacket and baseball cap.. as if that disguise will fool The Psychic Monkey!

It certainly didn't fool the paranoid monkey.

So I roll down the window and scream "Hey dickweed!"

he looks at me for a long beat, not sure who I am... then i see the memories flooding into his face and he gets a big grin

"Uncle chimp!" he says, and I knew he recognized me. I figured he would know just from the fact that I called him "dickweed" which was what I used to call him back when he was a kid.
I tell the cabbie to pull over and Keiffer runs up to the cab and actually PICKS me up (which I do NOT like) and gives me a big hug. He's saying "Wow! I thought I'd never see you again!"

you see, I used to baby sit Keiffer. I watched him off and on until he was ten or so. I hadn't seen him since outside of the movies. I introduced him to The Paranoid Monkey and we went down to Monty's for a beer and to watch the human slaves strip themselves of their garments.

So, it turns out that he's in town shooting a movie, and will be for a few more days. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow night... it'll be fun.

To tell you the truth, he turned out to be a pretty boring adult... much like his dad, but it was nice to see him again. The Paranoid monkey had a hard time staying calm in the strip club, but I gave him a few valiums and he settled right down.

anyway, I'm going to go get a hotel... this apartment smells like sick human, and is bringing monkey bile to the back of my throat.

adios muchachos
The Psychic Monkey
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Dec. 29th, 2000 @ 08:36 am okay, I'm back
Feel Evil: exhausted
Hear Evil: Butthole Surfers - The Lord Is A Monkey
So, I've been away from home (whatever that is) for a little while now. I've just been sending Joe messages on the phone, telling him to scan pictures of my old garbage to put on the webpage. I can't be bothered with those sorts of things right now! I've been traveling abroad for almost two months (which is a long time considering that I've been otherwise sitting for more than a couple years)

I'll tell you about what I was doing later. I still need to process some of it...

I can tell you that I spent some time in Seattle with my good friend Eddie Vedder. It was his birthday (Dec 23) and we drank and smoked pot and had an over all decent time... he finally left that ball and chain beth and he's out on his own, doing his new thing. It was honestly a bit awkward at times. Eddie's changed a little since we last spent time together. I suppose he's going through a very traumatic time, so it's understandable. I think he might still be hurting over that whole incident in Germany or where ever he was. Denmark? I don't know.

I should also say that I've been up for almost three days without rest. So I'm not quite my usual monkey self.

It was weird spending time in The States again. I thought that things would be on fire and people would be executed in the streets, what, with Bush in office... but it didn't really seem to affect anything. We'll see. I'm caring less and less about politics these days. There was once a time when it MATTERED who was president. But now, who fucking cares? I don't. I've got more important things to worry about.

Anyhoo... it's good to be home again, even if home is this retched place.

I better get some sleep before I die of exhaustion...

see you on the flip side, filthy humans

PS
(No more updates from that pile of junk "laptop" machine!)
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Dec. 28th, 2000 @ 06:27 pm a couple of new things
So, I've got something old and something new... first of all, i cleaned out my wallet, and what did I find? My old MPE card. This was issued back in 1959. Jesus, that was a long time ago.

next I've got a picture from my appearance on the "Late Show" with David Letterman. I found David to be not nearly as cool in real life as he appears to be on TV. I was greatly disappointed. I told him so and he did not seem to mind. At least he isn't that imbecile Jay Leno.
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Dec. 24th, 2000 @ 10:50 am more old stuff
Feel Evil: bored
Hear Evil: Bob Dylan - Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice,
here's a photo from the interview I gave to playboy magazine in 1975... I plan to have a text of the interview eventually, but I'm too goddamn lazy to transcribe it myself. Maybe I'll get that hole Joe to do it.
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Dec. 24th, 2000 @ 09:37 am Ultra-Violence
Feel Evil: silly
Hear Evil: I want to marry a lighthouse keeper
There was me... that is, The Psychic Monkey, and my three Droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim...
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Dec. 24th, 2000 @ 09:31 am stuff keeps popping up left and right
I found these old pictures of me and Bettie Page... there was another chick there... some blonde chick, but I don't remember her name...

Bettie was really cool, and had a tongue like a roto-rooter, but she wasn't exactly the brightest bulb on the tree. But, you know, back then, I'd sleep with anything that would have me... and the chance to be with the saucy queen of pin-up... AND with another chick at the same time, well... that's a no brainer.

I heard at one point that she'd been "rubbed out" by the mafia, but I recently ran into her in Florida... I was sunning on the beach and I hear her voice "Monkey! Psychic Monkey! Oh my goodness! It's really you!" I turned from my Pina Colada and saw a fat, old woman with greying hair... when I realized who she was, I said "I'm sorry, I believe you've mistaken me for a different monkey. I am Bongo the monkey."

She insisted that she was SURE I was The Psychic Monkey, but, you know, I don't need that kind of baggage... especially with her mafia connections... i got into enough mafia trouble hanging around Frank. That's the last friggin thing I need.

anyway, looking at these old pictures makes me almost feel bad for the way I dissed Bettie... almost.

Till next time,
peace
out
The Psychic Monkey

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Nov. 9th, 2000 @ 08:37 pm a picture from the Charlie's Angels show
Feel Evil: bored
Hear Evil: Green Day - Basketcase
Here's a picture of me and Courtney going to see the Charlie's Angels premiere. I don't know who that little boy was, but he kept following around Courtney. It was extremely odd.
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Nov. 7th, 2000 @ 11:51 pm Well, time to get drunk
Hunter called me at eight (I'm at the ranch as we speak) and we've been watching the election and drinking pretty heavily. I can't wait to get back to canada and out of this wretched country. It's not so much that I wanted Gore to win... I think Gore's a bitch, but I certainly wanted Bush NOT to win. Bush is a puppet for the NRA... I don't need an asshole like that in charge...

oh, shit, Hunter wants to show me his new toy... it's a rocket launcher... more later.
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Nov. 7th, 2000 @ 12:30 pm back from LA
Feel Evil: tired
Hear Evil: Black Sabbath - Planet Caravan
I just got back a couple days ago... WHEW! is all I can say...

let me start at the beginning...

So, Courtney Love calls me up last week. She's like "look, I'm gonna be in LA on the twenty second... i want you to fly down and see a movie with me."

Now, I'm not a monkey who can just drop everything simply because Courtney Love wants to see a movie. So i said "what movie?" and she says "I've got two tickets to the LA premier of Charlie's Angels and I want you to be my date." so I says "Charlie's Angels? i saw the show once, it sucked, I don't want to see the movie"

Much begging ensued. She tried threatening to kill herself if I didn't come, but that didn't work. She offered sex... didn't work. She offered drugs... my interests perked, but I still wasn't interested enough to back out of watching Ally. She told me that Drew berrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu (from Ally!) were going to be there... that got my attention. As you may or may not know, I am quite the Ally McBeal fan (not a fan of HER per se, in fact, I'd go so far as to say that Clasista Flockhart and her bony body make my monkey stomach churn) and especially Ling Woo, who is played by the sweet Lucy Liu...

so, I hopped onto the next train south.

In LA, Courtney met me at the train station in a limo. That was nice. It'd been quite a while since I'd been in a limo... I'd forgotten that there was free booze. So Courtney and I blazed a doobie and headed back to her hotel room. Inside the hotel, Courtney and I flirted off and on, but nothing really happened there. We've known each other for quite some time, but we've never been able to get past friendly flirting (actually, that's not true... ONCE something happened, but we were both so fucking trashed that neither of us count it... at least, I don't think she does. I don't) so i wasn't too surprised or disappointed there.

Later that night Courtney and I went to the premier. We got to sit just behind Cameron Diaz, Drew Berrymore, Tom Green and Bill Murray. Courtney kept trying to make out with me during the movie, and stole half of my Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, which was a bit of a pain in the ass, but it's one of those things you get usec to when you're around her.

Then, halfway through the movie, Cameron literally CLIMBED over the back of her seat and actually PICKED ME UP out of my seat (i was more than a little surprised by this) and sat down in my seat, putting me on her lap.

One word to describe Cameron Diaz? Really fucking DRUNK! Oh my god. I've NEVER seen, heard, felt or SMELLED anyone as loaded as her... and remember, I've spent many a long night with both Hunter Thompson and Jim Morrison... i mean, this girl was fucking WASTED. She could barely breath. All she could do was grin and drool on me like some kind of mongoloid. Plus, her skirt was riding up high over her ass and she had me nestled firmly against her thighs, which was awkward to say the least.

I tried to watch the movie. It wasn't happening. Cameron was laughing and giggling nonstop. At about the halfway point in the movie (which I didn't even get to fucking WATCH because I couldn't hear over her insane laughing) Cameron pulled down the front of her dress and tried to breast feed me, laughing and crying "feed the hairy little baby!"

I didn't know what to do! I was squirming and Courtney was laughing her ass off. I tried to push away, but she held me firmly against her teat. So, I did what any red-blooded chimpanzee did under threat... I bit her.

She screamed and stood up, dropping me. Luckily, my monkey arms caught the back of Bill Murry's chair and I swung over to Courtney's lap. Courtney stood up and was barely able to walk because she was laughing so hard. Cameron threw up on John Forsythe as Courtney and I pushed passed her and out of the theater. Courtney laughed halfway back to the hotel.

I failed to see the humor in it.

Of course, when I relayed the story back to Joe and Sandra, I could barely tell it, because in retrospect, I see that it was in fact quite funny...

Anyway, I'm back and ready to SLEEP for a couple days.
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Nov. 3rd, 2000 @ 10:04 am illiterate buffoons!
Feel Evil: accomplished
Hear Evil: Barry McGuire - Eve Of Destruction
That's "buffoons" not "baboons"... there is a difference.

I've had quite a few humans electronically mail me letters questioning the validity of my experience as a writer. now, you'd think that I wouldn't give a rotten banana about what some idiot on the internet thinks, but, unfortunately I do... I recognize that the "world wide web" is the new media, and that I need to establish myself "online" in order to be ahead of my colleagues. unfortunately, that incompetent oaf Joe has done next to nothing with my web page! What am I paying him for?!

anyhoo, my novel has been republished (finally) and you can buy it at Amazon.com

I got a few more pictures scanned... i was in a literary kind of mood, so I decided to put up these pictures

Here's one of me and Hunter... there was this big lecture at USC... Hunter was the featured guest, but he insisted that they let me speak as well... he's cool like that.


Here's one of me and Kurt... I think this was around 1965 or so....
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Oct. 29th, 2000 @ 09:01 am Blast from the past
Feel Evil: sad
Hear Evil: The Doors - Riders on the Storm
Jesus... I was looking through some of my old notes from the 60s and i came across this old picture of me and Jim. it was taken during an interview in 1970. Jim was surprisingly complacent that day... a little drunk (which is like "not drunk" for Jim) but not offensive. I had to split fairly early on in the day, due to a pressing prior engagement.

I wouldn't see Jim again for seven years. He called me out of the blue from Morocco, which surprised the hell out of me considering that he was supposed to be dead. I flew out to Morocco and found Jim clean shaven, slim and a shaven head. We drank and reminisced. he told me that he didn't miss the rock star life in the slightest. It was a great time. The next day he came into my room as I slept and sat next to my bed. I awoke to find him staring at me. I noticed a gleam of a tear in his eye and asked him what was wrong. He said that he'd never had a friend as honest and true as myself, and that he just wanted to thank me before he left. I asked him where he was going and he said that he couldn't tell me, but that he'd contact me soon.

I never heard from him again. I just hope that he's alive and happy. I hope that he's found peace. I hope that he's found someone who can really appreciate what he's about. I hope he calls soon.

man I miss my friend.
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Oct. 27th, 2000 @ 07:34 am Damn it
Feel Evil: sick
Hear Evil: Jimi Hendrix - All Along The Watchtower
I've got a goddamn cold. Just because I'm superior, doesn't mean that I'm invulnerable... I need to take some drugs and sleep for a week.

damn it, I don't have time for this!
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Oct. 25th, 2000 @ 09:35 pm a week with Jewel
Feel Evil: high
Hear Evil: Jewel - Down So Long
Spent the weekend in Toronto with Jewel... she called on Wednesday and said she was in Canada and would like to see me. Nevermind that it's on the other side of the country... so I flew out to Toronto and we caught a few shows. Saw the Lion King play at the Princess of Wales Theatre... it was pretty interesting. the monkeys weren't portrayed entirely to my liking, but, what else is new?
We also took in a Second City show... that was a lot of fun. I haven't laughed so hard at a Canadian since that time I pushed Celine Dion down the stairs!

We stayed at the Crowne Plaza and slept in till eleven in the afternoon. Then we ate pancakes and applesauce. It was a great weekend. In the evenings we made love for hours and slept in each other's arms.

it's nice to know that there's no hard feelings.
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Oct. 20th, 2000 @ 11:03 am god
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Oct. 15th, 2000 @ 04:38 pm friggin monkeys
Feel Evil: pissed off
Hear Evil: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Aeroplane
You know... I try. i really do.

I love monkeys. I think monkey's are great. Hell, I AM a friggin monkey... but jesus, monkeys can be SO STUPID sometimes! I mean, I totally understand about evolution (more than most of you mutants... you're all so oblivious to your own growth... it's sad) and I can dig that some monkeys are, shall we say "further along" than others... but christ... do the slow ones HAVE to be so obnoxious?!

I took one of my regular trips to the animal jail (the zoo) to visit my brothers on the inside, and I swear to god, I had to dodge feces! I mean, c'mon! like I'm not all worked up as it is. I had to fight not to scamper up them bars and punch that little son of a bitch in the genitals. I was trying to have a conversation with my friend Bobo, and this little bastard is flinging shit at me left and right. I'm trying to have a nice talk, and I'm having to dodge monkey turds.

I went over there and asked him politely to stop, but he just screeched and tried to pee on me. goddamn dirty apes.

okay, I'm over it.

Okay, listen... I'm all for throwing feces at visitors to the animal jail... i mean, if they want a show, they'll get a show... but to throw shit at your fellow primate... that's just uncouth. It's dirty and it's rude. I'd like to slap that little punk.

I'm over it.

next subject.

goddamn little bastard...
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Oct. 14th, 2000 @ 08:28 am David Lee Roth
Feel Evil: depressed
Hear Evil: David Lee Roth - California Girls

I miss my friend... why won't you call David? My home (Joe's home that is) is always open to you... I'm worried Dave... I haven't heard from you in oh so long... please come back to your monkey friend!!
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